Begin again
by Abbeldy
Summary: Continued from Season 1. Piper comes out of the SHU to find the world she knew had changed.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I own none of the characters. **

Piper is jolted awake at the sound of the massive iron door being opened. She looked up from her position on the floor, where she was curled up in the corner, and squinted at the guard who stood looming in the doorway.

"You're free to leave the SHU." He said and waited for her to get up. He looked at her disdainfully, the scrawny, skin and bones creature that struggled to stand up.

Piper stood up and made her way out of the cell, wobbling and went down the long corridor towards the light outside. Her eyes watered at the brightness and her lungs burned as they fought to breathe as much as they could. She shivered as the warm sun touched her skin and looked at Lorna, who was driving her pick-up van. She got in and then rest her head on the side, closing her eyes. She didn't bother to wipe them and Lorna couldn't tell if she was crying or if they were just watering.

It had been six months since that fateful day. Since that day she was dumped by Larry, rejected by Alex, since she rearranged Pensatucky's face. She looked at her hands, looked at the nails bitten raw, her hands which were brown with dirt. She couldn't believe she had so much rage in her. She sighed and looked at Lorna, who was driving. She smiled when she caught her eyes in the rear-view mirror. Lorna gave her a small sympathetic smile. Piper then asked Lorna what time it was and was told that it was 6. She had two hours to get clean and ready for dinner. Her stomach churned at the thought of food. Maybe she would ask Red to just give her a small portion of rice or a sandwich.

They arrived at the big gray building and Piper got out of the van and was escorted in by Lorna, who took her straight to the now empty dorms and handed her a set of fresh clothes and a uniform. Piper took it gratefully and headed into the shower where she spent an hour cleaning herself till she heard voices. She reveled in the privacy, almost laughing at what she now considered to be luxury – to bathe without a creepy guard looking at you, so that he could jerk off to the image later.

She made out Taystee and Poussey. Her heart stopped beating as she waited, unmoving, to see if she would hear Alex's voice. After a minute, she wrapped the towel around her gaunt frame, wincing when she saw her ribs sticking out and sighed at the effort it took. She was so tired. She walked out to collective gasps from the two women. She smiled a hello, and made her way out to where her clothes were kept as soon as possible. She wore the now oversized clothing and walked quickly to the bunks where she was placed, till they put her in a dorm. Piper burst into tears for the first time in six months. She sobbed, clutching her legs, waving off any hands that came near her to offer comfort. She wept for a good while, got up, wiped her eyes and sat there for about 20 minutes, till a CO came over and told her it was time for dinner.

She made her way to the mess, dreading the sight, sound and smell of people. She stood outside the door, took a deep breath and tried to suppress the nausea that had become her new found friend. She walked in and discreetly looked for the tall brunette who seemed to be missing. So was Nicky and she hadn't seen Suzanne either. She shuffled up to Red, with her head down and asked her for a fruit with a hoarse whisper. Red looked at her with kind eyes and gave her some cut fruit. Piper accepted it and went and sat alone in a corner, preferring to not talk to anyone. Lorna came and sat opposite her. She looked up startled and settled down when she realised that it was normal for her to see other people here. She could smell Lorna, that smell of prison detergent and lipstick acutely. Her sense of smell so sharp from her time at the SHU.

"Where's Pensatucky?" Piper asked in her scratchy voice, not used to being used.

"She went into Psych. She got new teeth thanks to you." Lorna said, in between mouthfuls.

"Think the Bible hicks will stay away from me?" Piper asked, taking a bite of the fruit and closing her eyes to savour the sweetness of it. She looked around for Taylor and the other groupies and found them sitting in a corner, shooting death glares her way. She resisted the urge to smile and raise her glass of water at them. Maybe she was unhinged after her time at the SHU.

"Sure. If Lurch has something to say about it." Lorna answered, looking at her dinner companion for a response. When Piper looked up from her food bowl, startled by what she heard, Lorna continued. "When Alex heard that you were getting out of the SHU, she went and found the Bible lovers and told them to stay the fuck away from you. She may have said other things, but I'm not too sure y'know?"

"Oh. Um, okay. Where is Alex?" Piper asked, trying to not sound too hopeful. She looked around for the brunette to see her missing again and then raised her eyes to meet Lorna's. She didn't like what she saw there. Pity.

"Look, Chapman. You need to know something. Al…" Lorna stopped talking when she spotted Piper staring at something. She turned around to see Alex and Nicky talking to Taystee, hand in hand. Alex dropped Nicky's hand and looked up beyond Taystee to see her ex girlfriend looking at her. Alex then turned right and made her way to the serving line, looking back at Nicky, beckoning her.

Piper stared at her ex girlfriend, her eyes following her all the way to the serving line and then to her seat at the opposite end of the room. She almost welcomed the acute pain in her chest as she inhaled sharply. She then looked at her own fruit bowl and felt her stomach reject the three pieces of fruit she had managed to eat so far. She got up in a hurry, dumped her fruit bowl and then threw up in the trash. Without seeing the reaction of anyone, she straightened up, wobbled and left.

She made it to her bunk, crawled into it and dry heaved. She couldn't believe that Alex was with Nicky. She knew that she and Alex had grown close, Lord knows she had thought of the possibility of it a million times in the SHU, but to see it in front of her, to live it, was too much. The more the thought of how Nicky would feel to hold Alex's warm hands, what it felt like to be a little spoon, the way Alex tasted, the more laboured her breathing became. She didn't hear the newbies call for a CO, she didn't feel herself being lifted off the bunk, all her thoughts and energy was focused on reliving showering with Alex, the Chapel, ticking her – except, it was all from a third person watching Alex and Nicky.

She was rushed to the Nurse who gave her a nebulizer that calmed her down. She was close to getting hysterical and passing out. She was then handed some Oral Rehydration drinks and told to stay on those for the next couple of days, in addition to the meager amount of food she could stomach, till she regained some strength. She was taken back to her bunk where she passed out from exhaustion. Fischer took pity on her during count and didn't wake her.

She woke up with a start the next morning and struggled to get up. She felt light headed and reached for the OR drink and drank it with great gulps, her body singing with pleasure at having some nourishment in it. She got off the bunk and made her way to the shower. There were other girls there, but after the torture of showering at the SHU, this didn't faze her. She finished and decided to go for a walk before breakfast. She itched to run when she saw the track, but just the panting from her walk told her she was nowhere near ready for a run.

Finishing her walk she went to the cafeteria and looked at Red and asked for more fruit. Red today gave her a bowl of cut bananas, which she took with a gratefully murmured thanks and sat again in the corner. She again heard footsteps and watched a body slide into the seat opposite her. This was not Lorna. She looked up to see the kind eyes of Nicky Nichols.

"No." She croaked. She shook her head and was dismayed and disappointed in herself that she couldn't stop the tears from falling. "Please. Go away" She gasped, not caring that she came across as a weak, pathetic thing. She hated herself, but that was nothing new. She had spent six months with her all consuming hate. Pensatucky got one thing right. She didn't deserve the love she had.

Nicky scraped her chair back and walked away, while Piper struggled to regain composure and finish the rest of the bananas. She was determined to keep the food in, even if she walked in on Nicky and Alex. Now, she wasn't sure. She ate alone, but could feel the eyes on her, hear the whispers and she flinched when Taylor walked past with a threat of "You'll pay". Didn't Taylor understand that Piper was paying? Paying for every sin she had ever committed? Regret was the worst punishment a body could endure.

She went back to her bunk after breakfast to find a box of her belongings. She wondered who could have kept them there, but ignored it. She took a book and began writing with shaky hands.

Dear Alex,

Where do I begin?

**A/N: First OITNB fic. I'm taking the idea of her writing letters to Alex and other people in her journal from FaeCym's fic. So credit for that goes to her. Let me know what you think. Yes Nicky and Alex are together, because what Piper did to Alex doesn't go away because she beat someone up and was locked in the SHU. Thanks for reading!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: The characters belong to OITNB.**

Alex stood in the laundry room folding clothes and tagging them accordingly while Nicky worked on the drier. She remembered the last time Piper had come down to work on the drier. She shook her head. This was different. In an effort to wipe the Piper memories from her mind, she whacked Nicky on the ass when no one was looking. Nicky yelped and looked back at Alex grinning. She mouthed "Closet" and watched Alex wink. She couldn't wait for lunch time. She knew she and Alex had to have a talk, now that Piper was out of the SHU. But she didn't want to ruin whatever little happiness she got knowing that there was someone to eat lunch with, hold hands at the movie night with and just laugh with. And no matter how much Nicky lied to herself, she knew that she was falling for the most unavailable woman of the lot.

The bell rang for lunch and Nicky packed her tools and told Alex she would meet her in the cafeteria. She had to return the tools and go for lunch. She dreaded Alex's reaction to when she saw Piper again. She remembered Alex stiffening up and dropping her hand like it was a hot piece of coal the first time and she would rather be in blissful ignorance than see the exes face each other again. She sauntered off, walking quickly so that she'd still have time to meet Alex in the closet.

Alex walked into the cafeteria and her eyes automatically scanned the hall for the blonde. She found her sitting in what now seemed to be her usual corner. She had a book with her and was writing furiously in it, pausing only to take a bite from her bowl. It was apple today, she noticed. She wanted to talk to Red and ask her to give Piper something a little more substantial but held herself back. It broke her heart to watch the woman she loved, the lush, curvy woman be a hanger for skin. She was upset with herself for caring and for wondering what those bony fingers and pen were etching into that book. She forced herself to walk past Piper, get her food and back to the table with Lorna and Big Boo without looking in Piper's direction. She was proud that she made it. She looked at the entrance and smiled when she saw Nicky walk in.

Nicky walked in and got her food. She set her tray in front of Alex and looked around the table. "What's Chapman writing so much?" she asked, looking at Piper and back at the table.

"I don't know. She seemed to be writing all morning and now at lunch also! I wonder when she'll get assigned to the dorms. Think she'll be in the Ghetto again?" Lorna asked, looking at Piper.

"Lord I hope not! There's always a dearth of lesbo drama here! It has to be the Suburbs." Big Boo said, winking at Nicky and Alex, who looked horrified at the thought.

At the end of her lunch, Nicky wanted to hug Alex, but she felt like she was being watched, She looked at the COs who weren't looking and then saw Piper looking at them with an unreadable expression. Nicky decided not to push it, remembering the pleading eyes of Piper last night. She looked back and Piper and turned away. She looked at Alex and raised a shoulder in question. She saw Alex start to glance towards Piper, but stop, look at Nicky and nod with a small smile. Nicky dumped her tray and made her way to the closet to wait. A few minutes later, Alex joined her.

Nicky jumped on Alex, laughing quietly, kissing her. Alex thrust her tongue in Nicky's mouth and pulled her flush against her body. She tangled her fingers in the shorter woman's hair, as she felt her clothes being lifted. They broke apart to remove Alex's shirt, and then Nicky's. They continued kissing and when Nicky's hand cupped Alex's crotch, Alex sprang away like she had been shocked and stared at Nicky with wide eyes, as if just realising what they had been doing.

"I can't." was all Alex said, before putting on her clothes and walking out of the closet. She walked straight to the privacy to the laundry room, ignoring the Bible loving flunkies and only then did she start to breathe. She cursed Piper for getting to her, for not being able to forget her, to wipe her from her system. She threw the clothes into the washer, slammed the door three or four times before it shut and furiously started folding clothes. She hated herself.

Nicky just stood in the closet open mouthed, shocked at what had happened. She kicked the bucket in the corner with rage and allowed the tears to spill, not caring about the racket she was making. She couldn't believe what had happened. She knew that Vause would be a little shaken up after seeing Piper, but really. To walk away like that? What did it mean? Were they done? Just like that? Was she some binky that Alex banged while her beloved Piper was in the SHU and now that she was out, was she, Nicky, going to be tossed aside like day old salad? She seethed as she marched out of the closet to the electric shop. She picked up her tools and marched back into laundry where she and Alex would definitely have a fucking talk. She was not some two-bit second choice.

Nicky walked in to find Taylor in Alex's face. Alex was calmly folding laundry and Taylor was threatening Piper. She looked at Alex, who looked like she didn't give a shit, except for the white knuckles around the clothes she was folding. Taylor knocked the clothes out of Alex's hand. "You will listen bitch. That pathetic girlfriend of yours is going to hell. And she can start hell right here." Taylor said, before turning around. Alex grabbed her hand, yanked her till Taylor faced her and before she could let her fist fly, she was knocked aside by Nicky. She glared at Nicky who grabbed Taylor and threw her against the washer. "Listen you little cunt, stay the fuck away from Vause. You want to threaten Chapman, go right ahead and threaten her. I know you're too shit scared to do so after what Chapman did to your beloved friend. But the day you come after Vause, you have the entire fucking prison coming after you. Get it?" Nicky shoved Taylor into the washer once more and then walked away. Taylor ran to the other end of the room, while Alex stared at Nicky wide-eyed. No one, apart from Piper, had ever come to her defense like that. And Alex realised what a clusterfuck she was in. She really wanted to love Nicky. She did love Nicky, but not in the way she deserved. And it was also at that minute that she realised how deep Nicky was in also.

At the end of the day, Nicky looked at Alex and said "Your washer is fixed." And walked out. She was emotionally drained and just wanted to go somewhere there was peace, quiet and solitude. She wanted to go away from the guilt ridden eyes of Alex, the hateful ones of the Bible bunnies, the haunted ones of Chapman and the pitying ones of Morello. She just wanted to go away. She left her tools in the shed, and made her way to the showers. She wanted to clean out the mess that she felt that she was. It didn't matter that she was a mess on the inside.

Alex met Nicky in the shower. She took Nicky's hand and led her into one of the stalls, where she bathed the shorter woman, all the while muttering "I'm so sorry". Nicky let herself be bathed with tender, loving hands, savouring the feeling and branding it in her memory because she knew that it would all come to an end soon. She wanted to ask if Vause would fuck her, but she bit her tongue and blinked back the tears. She was going to be perverse and draw out this mess for as long as she possibly could. She held onto Vause the best way she knew how, by loving her in return. They enjoyed a silent shower, neither saying anything more or asking for anything more. Alex walked Nicky back to her bed, gave her a small smile and walked out into the biting evening air.

She wished she had brought a jacket, remembering all the times in Europe where she always forgot to bring her jacket and Piper would give her hers. She remembered looking at Piper like she had two heads as she lay in the snow making snow angels, giggling with happiness that was pure, unadulterated with the sorrows of life. She shivered and hurried down the road towards the Chapel. Today, she wasn't going to fuck anyone there. Today, she would pray, ask for a little strength to make it out of the grave she had dug so well for herself.

Alex walked in to see a hunched figure up in front, near the altar. She knew who it was, before she turned.

"Oh."

"Hello Piper." Alex said, slowly making her way to the woman.

**A/N: I thought I'd explore what Nicky and Alex were going through in this chapter. I've tried to explore what each woman must be going through in this chapter.(Piper is up next!) I hope I've done a good job in being realistic. Thank you for the reviews! Please continue reading and let me know what you think! **


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: All characters belong to OITNB.**

Piper looked at the woman, who's long, black hair was dripping water onto her khaki uniform. She looked at the rueful smile that adorned her mouth, but didn't reach her eyes and she looked at the clouded, conflicted, complex battle that seemed to be fought reflected in her eyes.

"Hi." Piper said, closing the book, putting her pen inside to mark the page. She looked around to see that the chapel was empty. She didn't know what to say to this woman, who with one look simultaneously ripped her into a thousand pieces and put her back again. She was her rock and anchor, at the same time, she was the volcano that burnt her alive. How could one person be so much?

"I just came to sit here. I didn't think anyone would be here. Um… how are you?" Alex asked, trying not to wince when she really looked at Piper. The woman was a gaunt, grotesque, zombie version of herself. Her hair had lost its shine, her eyes were sunken, and she had no fat whatsoever. She had seen homeless drug addicts look better than Piper did.

"Fine." Piper said, wanting to keep the interaction to a minimum. She needed to get out. She felt her throat constrict as she held herself together. All she wanted to do was hug Alex, cry and ask her to not leave. She knew she had lost every right to do that. And had no hope. Alex had moved on, after being tossed like a coin at Piper's fancy. She didn't blame her, but my God, did she blame herself and that acute amount of self loathing was all consuming.

"Okay… What are you writing?" Alex said, surprised that she was making normal conversation with Piper. Maybe after everything that had happened with Nicky, she was just numb.

"Nothing that's important to you." Piper said, getting up. She was losing her will to fight the tears, the will to acknowledge the change, the will to hold onto sanity. She gave Alex a tight smile and walked out of the Chapel as fast as her legs would carry her. She stumbled out of the door, losing the strength to stand. She was still so weak from the SHU and all she wanted now was to be magically transported to her bed. She sat on the ground, the cold wind making her eyes water. She cursed it because once the tears fell, she knew there was no stopping them. She furiously wiped her eyes and stood up shakily again. She stumbled forward, towards the building, the warmth and the solitude of her bunk, even if she shared the room with three other girls.

Alex held herself still as she watched Piper stumble out. She wanted to go to her, help her, help her get better so much that it physically hurt, but she had told Piper to stay away and she was going to stick to that. Piper had Larry. Larry can help her. Piper also had friends in the Ghetto, it wasn't like she was completely alone. Telling herself these things over and over again, she calmed herself down, only realising that she was panting and working herself into hyperventilating. She sat down on the altar, where Piper had been sitting. She could feel the warmth that her body had left behind on the wooden floor.

Alex laughed hysterically "Man. What an epic romance. I get happy over ass warmth from a person I'm supposed to hate." She said to no one. She sighed and picked up a pen that Piper had left behind. It was empty of ink. She twirled the plastic in her hand, and thought about what she would do. She needed to set some rules for herself, for her and Piper and she needed to figure out what she would do about Nicky Nichols.

Alex walked back to the dorms before count, and after lights out, she snuck into Nicky's compartment. She clambered on top of the red head and looked intently into her eyes. Nicky lifted her mouth and kissed Alex lightly, afraid of being rejected again. Alex deepened the kiss and rolled over so that they faced each other while lying down sideways. She pulled Nicky towards her while sticking her leg in between Nicky's feeling her hot, slightly damp pussy against her thigh. She bit back a moan as Nicky slid her hands under Alex's shirt to cup her breasts and thumb her nipples. Nicky watched Alex's eyes go dark as Nicky began rubbing up against Alex's thigh. This was a poor excuse to what should have happened in the closet, but the message was understood. Nicky reached between them and rubbed her fingers against Alex's pussy, gasping lightly to feel how damp it was through the layer of clothing. Alex pulled Nicky's face closer and they tongue fucked till they needed to come up for air. They lay there panting, staring at each other, absolutely still. Alex kissed Nicky's cheek, tasting the salty tear that escaped. "I'm sorry." Alex said, and quietly slid out and went back to her bunk, expecting a restless night.

The next morning, Alex woke up when she heard some commotion from the next compartment. She shot out of bed to see Piper trying to lift a box onto the bed, but finding it difficult. She stared at Piper horrified. Piper would be in the bed behind hers. All that would separate them was one wall. 3 inches of wood. That's all there was. She wondered if ass warmth travelled through wood and giggled. She stopped immediately when she saw Piper look up at her. Alex turned around and went back to her bed, pretending to sleep, but listening to the sounds behind her as Piper settled in as quietly as she could. "Shit, she was in the suburbs." Alex thought as she shut her eyes and started counting imaginary sheep.

Piper settled her things, but unfortunately couldn't settle her stomach. She all but ran to the washrooms and threw up in the commode. She felt someone hold her hair back and at first thought it was Alex, but whoever it was smelled wrong. She finished and straightened up to see Nicky. She just stared at her for a minute and muttered a thanks and went to the basin to wash up. She caught Nicky staring at her in the mirror and she looked back at Nicky defensively.

"I know she's yours, but I'm keeping her for as long as I can. You were an idiot to walk away from someone like that." Nicky said, in a clear, mono-tone voice, betraying no emotion and walked out. "I hope you feel better" she called out as she rounded the corner and headed towards the door. She went straight to Alex's bunk and sat at her feet. Alex stared at her girlfriend, not moving. She snuggled her feet behind Nicky, as she watched the bushy haired woman pick up a book and flip through the pages. They sat in silence as they heard Piper make her way back to the cabin to leave again in a minute.

Piper showered, feeling a little better physically, but so confused mentally. What did Nicky mean when she said that, what was going on with her and Alex? They seemed to be a solid couple, like Alex had moved on. The conversation in the Chapel, where Alex had spoken to her like she would have spoken to Poussey was proof of the fact that she had moved on. She went to get her usual cup of fruit for breakfast. She had a meeting with Caputo after where she would be assigned to work. Healey had gotten fired after the incident, Taystee had told her. She sat in her usual corner and looked up as she saw Taystee and Poussey join her.

"Girl, you gotta eat some more!" Taystee said, looking at the miserable bowl of fruit and picking up Piper's hand. Piper looked at her hand being lifted up and realised that this was the first form of human contact she had, apart from Nicky holding her hair up. She suddenly looked at Taystee and snatched back her hand. She really wanted a hug, someone to hold and just feel human. She looked around the room and spotted Alex, she really wanted a hug from Alex, but she turned to Taystee and smiled. "I would really like a hug please" She croaked out and then was turned momentarily deaf by the whoops from Taystee and Poussey as they enveloped her in a tight group hug.

They pulled back laughing as Piper sat down. She turned to look at Alex and Nicky and was shocked to see Nicky holding Alex's hand while the later looked at her with very bright and shiny eyes. She turned back to the table and poked at her fruit, while smiling at some joke Taystee was saying. She wasn't paying attention, but after the Chapel last night, Piper understood that she needed to be strong and give Alex the space that she had wanted. She would write again after the meeting to tell Alex everything she wanted to say. She looked at Alex one last time, who had a watery smile at something Nicky was saying and she could see their knees touching. She turned around to answer something that Poussey asked but was interupted by Leanne Taylor loudly reading from a familiar looking book.

"Dear Alex, where do I begin? Can you ever com-com-comprehend how I feel right now? Do you remember in those cartoons, where Lady Death destroys everything in her wake? I'm Lady Death Alex. I destroyed everything that I had. You can't know the loathing and distaste I have for every breath I take and the fact that my pen-pen-ance is to live with my.." Taylor was interruped by the book suddenly being snatched from her and flung across the room by a very angry Nicky. Taylor just grinned. "Looks like the love hasn't been destroyed eh College?" Taylor sauntered to where Piper was hyperventilating to be pushed back by Poussey. Taystee and Poussey hauled Piper up and dragged her away from the cafeteria.

Nicky looked at Alex who looked back with a dazed expression. She had the book in her hands.

**A/N: Thank you all for your kind comments. This chapter is exploring the dynamic between the three of them, a lot of things said and left unsaid. Hope you like it! Also, Pipex is endgame.. But it will take some time for the two of them to get there. So patience please and thanks for sticking with the story!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I own none of the characters.**

Alex stared at the book in her hands, while Nicky led her back to the Suburbs. She sat on her bunk, still in a daze. "Nicky, what does this mean?" She asked, looking at the red head with confusion. She stroked the spine, feeling the contours of the book, running her fingers around the rounded, picked edges. She could imagine Piper picking on the edges when she got stuck writing. But Piper was writing to her, telling her what she felt, how she felt. Did that mean Piper wanted to talk to her? Did that mean that Piper still felt something? Did that mean that she was supposed to, or could, go talk to Piper? She looked at Nicky, with all those questions in her eyes, and realised how wrong that was. She was feeling all these feelings for Piper and she was supposed to be with Nicky.

Nicky looked at the confusion on Alex's face. She wanted to say something, but she wasn't going to give Alex an easy way out. Alex needed to sort her shit out and be honest with the asshole that she was being. Nicky just looked at her and shrugged her shoulders "I dunno Vause. You need to decide if you want to read it or put it back where Taylor found it" Nicky said, and left the dark haired woman to herself.

Alex looked at the book, opened it to the first page. She traced the lettering, seeing, but not reading. She pulled the book up to her nose, sniffing it and smelling Piper's scent, and the smell of baby powder that she usually smelled like. She, and the book, smelled clean. Alex could smell the ink faintly and she sighed. She thought of what she would feel like if Piper read her personal diary, even if it was directed to her. She stood up, went around and put the book on Piper's bed. She came back, lay in her own and stared at the ceiling. There was no way out of this. No matter how hard she tried with Nicky, Piper was always there, like a ghost. An invisible one when she was in the SHU, and now a visible one.

Piper came rushing into the room distraught. She was talking to Poussey "If that book gets into the wrong hands, I'm dead. I wish I knew where it was or who the fuck took it! I need that book back Poussey, it's my sanity." She walked to her bunk, not noticing Alex in hers and gasped when she saw the book. She picked it up and cradled it like it was her most precious possession. "Oh my God! It's here. But who? How?" She looked at Poussey and Taystee with confused eyes. "Vause had it last." Taystee said, looking sympathetically at the girl's horror stricken face.

"What? Al-Alex? She had it?" Piper asked, looking at the book in her hand like it was some alien possession. She scrambled off her bed and around the wall to Alex's cubicle. She shook the brunette awake, and she knew Alex was only pretending to sleep. "Did you read it?" She asked in a low, squeaky voice, like the thing that frightened her the most was a positive answer.

"I wanted to. But no. I didn't" Alex said, taking the blonde in. She took in the gaunt frame, the barely there muscle, the dry skin, the chapped lips, the red eyes. She breathed in the scent that was essentially Piper and she burnt this moment into memory. She looked at Piper, she did not smile because that would show weakness and it was the least she could do for Nicky. She was already a shithead without smiling at the woman who brought out volcanic reactions in her when she was near. She didn't know if she loved Piper or hated her, all she knew was that it was intense.

Piper looked at her, squinted and stared, cocking her head to the left, trying to figure out if Alex was lying. But then, why would Alex confess to wanting to read it if she had already read it? She nodded, mumbled a sorry and went back to her bunk.

As Alex closed her eyes, she heard the unmistakable scratch of pen on paper. She wished Piper would just talk to her and then felt guilty for wishing so. Piper was out of her life. She had Nicky. Piper had Larry. It was the way the dice were meant to fall.

Nicky stood at the window at visitation like she did every time, waiting to see if her mother would surprise her after seven months and show up to see her. She felt the luke warm sunlight of the late June sun seeping into her skin. She waited, shifting from left to right when her left foot got tired. She jumped slightly at the hands on her arms but relaxed into the warm body of her girlfriend, if she could still call her that. Alex wrapped her arms around Nicky and hugged her. It was hard for anyone to see the red head wait and wait every weekend, till it was over. The couple stood like that for a long time until Alex saw Polly and Piper's mother walk in. She stiffened and looked at Nicky.

"You should go. Barry will probably show up." Nicky said, looking hopeless and lost. Alex gritted her teeth and kissed Nicky's head. "No. I'm fine where I am" She said, turning the red head away from the window and towards her. She held her as Nicky sobbed, sobbed for her mother not giving a shit, sobbed because she and Alex were going to be over soon, sobbed for Alex's heartache and sobbed because she really, really wanted to do a couple lines of coke. Alex held her, glaring at anyone who stopped to stare. She stroked Nicky's back, whispering a story about how she was dared to dance with a snake and agreed, till she found out that a snake was euphemism for penis. Nicky chuckled and smiled a watery smile at Alex and stepped away from the window. "Wanna beat me at scrabble?" Nicky asked, as she pulled Alex towards the rec room.

Piper saw Alex again at dinner, where she picked at some cornbread from Red, after eating her fruit. She stared at Alex as she laughed at something Morello said and then blushed when Alex looked her way and caught her staring. She looked back at Taystee and Poussey who had leaned back and were staring at her like she was some kind of entertainment. She swatted at them and they burst out laughing, causing Piper to laugh a little too. "That obvious huh?" Piper asked, picking at her cornbread again.

"Um, duh, girl! You need to either talk to her or ignore woman. You cannot be staring at her like she is a juicy steak!" Taystee said and Poussey added "Well, if I were gay, I wouldn't mind her juice y'know?" and got a kick in the shin for that comment.

Later that night, Nicky was with Morello and Red and Alex was on her bed reading, Piper came over and stood in the doorway. Alex looked up at her with a raised, questioning eyebrow. "Can I come in?" Piper asked, hesitantly.

"Um sure." Alex replied and gulped as she took in the wet hair of a freshly showered Piper. She looked better, she looked like she had a little more strength, but she was still woefully underweight and she had dark circles that made the black hole in the Universe look white. Piper came and sat beside Alex. She fidgeted with her shirt and then with Alex's bed sheet. Alex waited patiently.

"I just wanted to say I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything I did, for being a manipulative, selfish bitch, for not realising what I had and most importantly, for pretending I was smart. I'm not. I'm the world's biggest idiot. I chose wrong then Alex. It will always be you. Between anything and you, it will forever be you" Piper said, leaning in and bringing her lips to Alex's. She kissed her lightly and got up and walked. "That's what I've been writing in the book." She said, when she was at the doorway and went to her bunk.

Alex sat looking stunned and slowly brought her left index and middle finger to her lips, still moist from Piper's chap stick. "Shit." Was all she said.

**A/N: Sorry about the delay! I hope you guys like this. Piper is snapping back to herself and it was the Taylor reading the book that snapped her out of it. Thanks for the reviews, favourites and follows **


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters.**

Piper Chapman actually slept. She slept for three hours straight that night without waking up covered in sweat, without feeling claustrophobic when she touched the wall on the other side of the bunk, without feeling the strangeness of hearing other people around her. She woke up with an actual smile on her chapped lips. She got up, took a shower. She didn't see Alex, nor did she look for her. Piper was at peace, well, as much as she could be. She had said what she needed to say to Alex. As she showered, she remembered what Polly and her mum had told her. How they looked at her and how Polly had all but yelled at her about Alex. Her mother had been appalled, but after all that Piper had gone through, the two women had agreed that Alex was inevitable to Piper.

She touched her lips and remembered the feel of Alex's lips on hers. The softness of it, the shape of it, the comfort of it. She bit back a moan of want as she clutched her abdomen, telling her vagina to calm the fuck down. She finished her shower and went back to her dorm. Today, she would be assigned her work detail. She wondered what it would be, considering the amazing job she had done during her electrical days. She was to report to Caputo in 30 minutes. She took out the book and wondered what to write in it. She had finally told Alex what she wanted to say, she had told her mother and Polly too. She debated it and put it away, choosing to read Dante's Inferno instead.

Alex was in the laundry when Nicky came by. She looked at her and waited for Alex to finish folding and give her the attention she needed. Nicky knew that today was the day that it would end. A relationship that had put parts of her together and ripped the other parts apart. It was one that she needed at the time, but one that she wouldn't be able to hold on to. Despite the warnings, the walls, the complete mess that it was, Nicky had fallen in love with Alex, and she liked to believe that Alex had loved her too, in whatever manner she could.

When Big Boo had told Nicky that she had seen Piper kiss Alex, Nicky was surprisingly numb. She had known that this day was coming, she had known it since Christmas, she had just chosen to ignore it. She looked at the woman she loved glance at her, hold a finger up and fold two khaki uniforms before coming around the table. Nicky leaned against the washer and gave her a watery smile. She wasn't going to be able to get through this without the tears, no matter how mush she wanted to.

"Hey! What's wrong? What happened?" Alex asked, rubbing Nicky's arm. She squeezed it, feeling like a faithless bitch, but determined to be there for Nicky, no matter what.

"I need my best friend. I need her because this woman that I love, loves someone else. And I've always known that, and I was okay with it, until that love became real again. So I need my best friend to tell me that it will be okay. But it won't, because my best friend and this woman are the same and it sucks. It sucks so fucking hard and I hate it." Nicky said in a low voice, tears rolling down her face.

"Fuck. Nicky I'm so sorry. I wish I could tell you that it wasn't true, that I was stronger, but I'm not. I'm a weak ass woman, who will go back to being the punching bag for someone else. I'm so fucking sorry I dragged you into this shit." Alex said, now holding Nicky's hand, their fingers interlaced.

"You didn't drag me babe. I rushed in head on. I don't know what to do now. But please promise me, that no matter what, you'll always be there. You'll be my friend, because I can't lose you Alex. You're my best friend. You saw me through Morello, and now you've gotta see me through you." Nicky said, hating the way she sounded. This was not who she was, she was a smart, kick ass woman, but love makes the strongest of them all turn to mush.

"Yeah. I'm here Nicks. I'm not gonna let you go." Alex said, her voice breaking. She hated what she was doing to Nicky, but she couldn't help it. Her heart belonged to Piper, and that was that.

Nicky pulled away. She looked at Leanne looking at them with undisguised interest, smiled. "Well, I need another pussy now, since you're done. I wonder if blondes taste any different." She said, licking her lips, her eyes never leaving Leanne's. Leanne scurried around the back and out of sight as Nicky and Alex laughed. Nicky smiled at Alex. It would be hard, but they could make this work. Nicky pulled Alex's head down for a final kiss that left Alex reeling and then left the room with a swagger. Nicky was determined to not become a mopey mess after. She went to the kitchen to fix the freezer light.

Alex felt the lightest she had felt in a long time and that the same time, felt like the biggest, stinkiest piece of shit she had ever been. She didn't know what to do, so she just folded more laundry, wonder what Piper must be doing now.

Piper went to see Mr. Caputo and he explained the details of her job. She was to help Red in the kitchen, in the serving lines. She wasn't allowed to cut vegetables, peel anything or do anything that involved any kind of implement. She could mash potatoes he had said. Piper looked at him, not trusting herself to speak. She was quite hesitant as serving 300 inmates was a task that required a certain amount of physical stamina that she didn't have as yet. She didn't say anything, just nodded her acceptance and understanding of the job. She then went to the kitchen where she saw Red stirring something in a great, big pot. She went to her and handed a piece of paper that detailed her restrictions.

"Good. You will stay here and learn. You will not get into trouble and you will not upset me. Do you understand?" Red asked, her eyes raised above the glasses she sometimes wore.

"Yes Red. I understand." Piper said politely. "May I help you with anything?" She asked.

"Here. You stir." Red said, handing her the ladle. Piper took it gratefully and began to stir. About ten minutes later, Red came back and started making something else. Once Piper was done, she was sent to get the trays in order and start setting up the service line.

Soon, it was lunch and Piper was beginning to feel the signs of exhaustion. Red came over and placed a cup of fruit for the girl to eat. "Eat. You need your arms in 10 minutes." Red said and disappeared. Piper sat and gratefully gulped down the fruit and then went around the back and asked for some more. Red looked at her pleased and gave her some. As Piper waited to be served, she looked around and caught Nicky staring at her. She immediately flushed and felt horribly guilty. She had kissed Nicky's girlfriend last night. She had promised herself to be a better person, but what kind of better person goes around kissing people's girlfriends? Nicky gave her a half smile and walked away, which made Piper's heart plummet. Did Nicky know what happened? As Piper started after Nicky with a stricken face, Red came back and gave Piper the extra fruit. "She knows. But that dark woman was always yours. She knows that as well." Red said, pushing Piper towards the serving line.

"Wait! Wha? What does she know? What do you.." Piper was cut off as she was parked in front of the fruit and corn section of the serving station. She was given the tongs and the ladle for the fruit. She looked at the end of hall to see people starting to come in. She got herself ready and set to serve.

The mechanical nature of the job bored Piper five minutes into serving. To think she used to be jealous of these people when she was in electrical. She served mechanically until she heard Morello's voice. "Chapman! You're here! You look better girl." Morello said, smiling as she accepted the corn and fruit.

"Thanks Morello." Piper said, her voice still husky. She was certain that it would stay this way for a very long time. After Morello was Big Boo. "I saw you last night. With a certain dark haired beauty." Boo said, smiling and winking. Piper flushed and knew immediately that Nicky knew what had happened. Boo was not known for keeping secrets. She sighed and handed her the corn and fruit. "Yeah. Alex and I talked." She said, before moving on to serve the next person in line. Poussey and Taystee came up and Poussey tried to talk Piper into giving her an extra serving of fruit and Piper giggled "Not on the first day of work!" She grinned at Poussey before serving Taystee. Hey eyes sparkled with happiness she hadn't felt in a long time. She looked up and her breath caught when she saw Alex standing in the queue.

As Alex came to her, Piper felt herself sober up and a familiar anxiety in the bottom of her stomach. She took the tray from Alex, barely glancing at her, put the corn and fruit on her plate and handed it back. "Thanks Pipes." She heard Alex say in her husky whisper and looked up to see Alex staring at her expressionless. She felt exposed as her skin prickled with goose bumps. She saw Alex notice those and she didn't know what to say. She just nodded and moved on to serve the next person. She saw Alex go sit next to Morello and Big Boo out of the corner of her eye.

"Hey Nicky" Piper said, when Nicky showed up, handing her the tray. She took Nicky's tray and served her and handed it back, her eyes never leaving Nicky's. Nicky didn't say anything. She accepted the tray and went and sat with Alex, Big Boo and Morello, but next to Morello and not Alex. Alex looked at Nicky who gave a small smile and then she looked at Piper who was serving other people. She sighed and ate her food.

After lunch, Piper was told to go back but to show up at 6am the next morning. She was put on breakfast and lunch duty in the kitchen. Red knew that Nicky liked to hang out in the evenings, and wanted to limit the contact between Piper and Nicky. Piper went back to the dorm and collapsed on her bunk, exhausted. She slept through the day till 6pm and woke up when she felt someone watching her. She looked into the green eyes that were so familiar to her. "Hey Alex" She said, looking at her.

"You don't get to do that. You don't get to tell me something I wanted to hear 6 months ago. You don't get to come in and kiss me, you don't get to make me this mess of a person. But you do anyway. Like you said Pipes, I love you and I fucking hate you." Alex said, her voice low, but filled with anger. She walked out of Piper's dorm, confused. She walked straight to the bathroom and locked herself in one of the stalls. She cried for everything that she was. How could she love a woman so much, a woman who made her hate herself. How was she supposed to deal with the fact that one part of her wanted to run the fuck away while the other wanted to hug Piper, kiss away the pain, and soothe the painful arms that trembled with exertion as she served food. How weak was Piper that she couldn't serve lunch to people. She hated herself for what she had done to Nicky, but at the same time, she was so grateful that it was over. She didn't know what it meant for Piper and her. Sure, Piper had said that she had chosen wrong, but had she let go of Larry, of the life that she hoped to have with him? Had she let go of safe?

Piper walked into the bathroom. She checked to see if anyone else was there and when she confirmed she and Alex were alone, she banged on the stall door till Alex opened it. She walked in, pushing Alex back with whatever little strength she had. "I get to tell you Alex. I get to tell you because I love you like no one else ever has. I get to tell you because I fuck you over like no one ever has. I get to tell you because just the sight of you makes me want to sing and dance on a mountain top because I'm so fucking happy. You are one of my favourite things. When I was in the SHU, how the fuck do you think I'm not insane? You Alex. It's you. And that's why I get to tell you." Piper said, her chest heaving with emotion. Alex looked at her, pulled her flush against her body and clashed her mouth against Piper's. She tangled her tongue against Piper's fighting for domination. She sucked Piper's essence, like it was the life-force that was keeping her alive.

Piper tangled her fingers in Alex's hair, her heart singing as she felt the warm body against hers. As she was held the way she wanted in the first place. She felt Alex put her hands through the Khaki uniform and gasp. She looked up to see tearful green eyes and Piper backed off. She knew pity when she saw it, she saw the fire being extinguished from Alex's eyes and she backed out of the stall, horrified. Never had it occurred to Piper that Alex may not be attracted to the physical hanger that she was now. She ran out as she heard Alex say "Piper wait!". Piper walked out onto the track and started to run, even though her entire body screamed in protest. She ran until she cried with the physical pain. She ran until she couldn't breathe and sat on the floor. She cried until she felt warm hands gather her. "You're wrong. You're not supposed to be here" She cried, as she felt Morello pick her up and help her back onto her feet.

**A/N: Sorry about the delay you guys! Work and life caught up with me! Thanks for reading. Let me know what you think. **


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters**

Alex walked back into the dorm after her shower. She had taken one after Piper had run off, knowing better than to run after her. Piper had freaked out and she didn't even know why. But she winced as she remembered the jagged hip bones and the knobbly feel of her spine. She walked back to her bunk, noticing that Piper's was still empty. She caught Nicky's eye ahead and smiled, but Nicky ignored the brunette. Alex sighed. She knew that they would have a long way to go to recover their friendship. She sat on her bed, listening to the radio with ear phones. As she bobbed to the beat, she remembered Piper's speech about being a manipulative, selfish bitch and she remembered how finally she had gotten the apology she had wanted for so long. But it didn't erase the fact that Alex was the exact same way to Nicky. It occurred to her in the shower that she had done the exact same thing to Nicky that Piper had done to Alex. The minute Piper was out of the SHU, she had gone running back to Piper and what, fuck Nicky? Alex felt sick to her stomach. She didn't deserve that apology. She got up and made her way to Nicky's bunk.

"So I'm an ass." Alex said, sitting down next to the bushy haired girl. Nicky looked up from the book she was reading. "What's new?" Nicky said, looking up to grin at Alex, but finding that she couldn't. Being friends with someone you were in love with wasn't going to be easy. Lord knew she knew that with Morello. Nicky started to feel antsy, like she wasn't ready for this, to talk about it. Alex smiled at her "I don't know what to do Nicky." She said, looking at the other woman, and plucked at the sheets. "You can start by not destroying my sheets. And I don't know Vause. I don't know what to do either. I'm just tired of this shit." Nicky said, looking at her book and starting to read again, indicating that she wanted Alex to leave and hoping she would. Nicky needed some time and space from the taller woman. He knew that they would be friends, everyone did fucked up things, but just a little air to breathe would be nice.

"I know sorry doesn't cut it, but I am. For whatever it's worth." Alex said and left. Nicky sighed. She closed the book and watch the brunette walk back and then she lay back in her bunk and looked at the ceiling. She needed to get over Alex as soon as possible. Especially now that Piper was back.

Alex went back to her bunk and saw Piper in hers. She halted for a second, but everything felt so wrong that she just walked the three steps forward to her own bunk and lay down till count. Piper had looked like she had been crying. Alex didn't know why, but right now, she had a headache from all the drama she had gotten herself into and she didn't want to delve in further. If that made her a Class A asshole, then so be it.

When count was called, she got up and stood next to Piper. Piper ignored her but Alex just looked at her. Once the COs were done counting, Alex turned towards Piper "We are going to talk." She said and went into her own bunk. Piper just stood there staring at Alex. How had everything gotten so fucked up? She went back to her own bunk and lay down. She heard the bunk creak next to the wall and it was like suddenly, the wall had become transparent. She could picture everything that Alex was doing. Piper was so exhausted. She was emotionally and physically spent. She was out in the next five minutes.

Alex lay in her bunk tossing and turning. She wanted to go over to Piper and hug her, be the big spoon. She just stared up at the ceiling, listening to the muted whispers, looking at the lights. Eventually, she drifted off and woke up early to go shower. When she got to the showers, she saw that she wasn't alone. Piper stood there in a towel, getting ready to go in.

"Pipes." Alex said softly. Piper turned around and froze. She saw the taller woman walk towards her and she started to back up but stopped. If Alex wanted to talk to her, she would listen. "Why the fuck did you bolt like that yesterday?" Alex demanded, pushing Piper into a shower. Piper stumbled backwards and shoved back against Alex. "Don't push me!" Piper hissed, glaring at the green eyes that seemed to bore through her skull. "I didn't want to feel more embarrassed about my body. I know it's hideous. I just wasn't in the mood for you to make it more obvious." She said, looking at Alex defiantly, as if daring her to say anything. "What? What kind of ridiculous statement is that?" Alex asked, shocked to hear such nonsense come out of Piper's mouth.

"Alex. I saw. I felt it. You touched me, felt my skin, my bones. I saw whatever little attraction you had for me die." Piper said, looking down at her hands, which were captured in Alex's hands. She looked defeated.

"Pipes, there hasn't been a second where I haven't felt attracted to you. I was just shocked at what the SHU had done to you. I will admit that I felt pity. But that was it. I never felt like you weren't attractive or whatever." Alex said, moving her hands to Piper's face, willing her to understand. Piper looked into Alex's eyes, not sure what to believe. She stared for a while and then just said, "I need to shower. I have work at 6. Could you please use another stall?" She was polite and Alex wanted to bang her head against the wall. Instead, she lowered her mouth to Piper's and kissed her. She kissed her, her tongue rubbing Piper's bottom lip, teasing her mouth open. Then she delved into her mouth, tasting the toothpaste and everything that was Piper. She pulled Piper flush against her and inserted a leg between Piper's. Piper moaned as she felt her towel drop and felt Alex's coarse Khaki uniform rub her nipples. The hardened tips throbbed and sent shivers down her body. Alex was intoxicating. She tangled her hands in Alex's hair and she felt Alex's thigh against her pulsing cunt. Alex brought her hands in between them and thumbed Piper's nipples while moving her thigh in rhythm to Piper's grinding. Piper bit Alex's neck as the frenzy intensified. When Alex squeezed her nipple slightly and matched their movements with her tongue, Piper came apart in a heartbeat, muffling her cries against Alex's mouth. She was slightly embarrassed at the fact that that was all it took, some kissing and rubbing, but at that point, she was too blissed out to care.

Alex looked at the naked love of her life panting, trying to catch her breath. Piper looked up to see Alex staring at the giant wet spot on her thigh. Alex looked at Piper and said, "Don't ever think that I don't find you attractive." Piper looked back at her with glistening eyes. Alex kissed her swollen lips one last time and backed out and went into the neighbouring stall to shower. She had mixed feelings. Making Piper cum was like coming home, but she still felt like an ass. She finished her shower quickly, doing her best to ignore her naked lover next door.

Alex made her way along the breakfast line behind Morello. Nicky was in front and when it came to Piper's turn to serve the fruit, Nicky just cut away from the line and went and sat at the table. Alex flinched, torn between wanting to get the fruit and going after Nicky. She figured that Nicky wanted a clean break after her behavior last night and she stayed in line. There was no point in confusing the already badly smudged lines of relationships. She took her fruit from Piper, looking at the blonde woman, who smiled tentatively at her. She saw the blush creep across Piper's cheeks and she felt warm inside. She smiled back at Piper and went and sat next to Nicky, Morello and Big Boo. They all ate their breakfast in silence before going to their respective jobs. Nicky left as soon as possible. She hadn't really said anything at the table, but hadn't gone and sat at a different table or skipped breakfast. Alex sighed at the small concession and looked up when she heard Red bark Piper's name. Piper looked at Alex who was looking back at her and went inside. She didn't know what to make of this morning. Was whatever that had happened a resolution to an argument, or was Alex making a point, or were they somehow on that same lopsided, rollercoaster again?

Did Alex even understand what was going on in Piper's head? Did she know that though Alex was and would always be the love of her life, she still didn't have the balls to free fall through Cambodia and life with her? Could they reach a compromise? She knew that they needed to talk soon. It was all too in the air for her. Fucking in bathrooms and chapels wouldn't cut it anymore.

**A/N: Thank you guys for the reviews and the criticism. I really appreciate it. I realized that Red doesn't run the kitchen anymore, that was a mistake, but it's too late now so I'm just going to stick with it. Hope you liked this chapter!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

Alex disappeared into laundry, while Piper went to Red to get her assignment for lunch prep. She looked better, though she was still confused. She felt a little stronger and wasn't as tired as she had been the previous day. Red came around the counter as Piper was just done cleaning it. She dumped a huge basket of potatoes in front of her and said "Peel" and handed her a peeler. Piper looked at the potatoes and the itsy, bitsy peeler and knew she would be doing this for the next hour and a half at least. She tried to lift the basket to take it to a corner and failed miserable. She could lift one side off the table a whole inch. Her temper started to rise at herself, for not being able to do simple little things. Norma came on by and helped Piper move the potatoes to a corner where she sat, plugged in her earphones to the portable radio and started to peel the potatoes furiously.

At lunch time, Alex came out, looking for Piper in the serving line, finding her by the corn. She tried to get Piper's attention, but failed as Piper seemed to be looking down and serving. She seemed to be in a mood. Nicky was already at the table with Morello and Big Boo. She was sneaking bits of corn bread to Little Boo while Alex took her plate and went for corn.

"Hey." Alex whispered softly. Piper looked up, her eyes clouded with emotion. She took a piece of corn, plonked it on Alex's plate and handed it back without a word. "Pipes, you okay?" Alex asked, confused. Was it about what had happened in the shower or had something happened later? Piper struggled to get her rage in check, looked at Alex with a smile that looked like she was constipated and said "Yeah. Everything's fine. Next." Alex was forced to move along. She went to the table and sat down.

"Your girl seems to be in a mood." Big Boo said, looking at Piper. Alex looked at Boo and glared at her. The least she could do is not talk about Piper in front of Nicky. Morello looked back at Piper and said "Maybe she's just tired."

"Nah. She's in a temper. She used to get like this in tric when Luscheck used to piss her off. Not talking to anyone." Nicky said, looking at the blonde. It was easier to deal with Piper, than Alex. After all, it wasn't like Piper had done anything to her. In the prison, Alex was always hers. She missed Piper and her outbursts.

Alex looked at Nicky, eyes wide. She hadn't realized that Nicky knew Piper that well, or that she was okay with talking about Piper. She didn't know what to say, so she just concentrated on breaking a chunk of the bread and giving it to Little Boo. Nicky then started to talk about a Meerkat program that she saw on TV with Yoga Jones. Big Boo said "I love animals. Don't get me wrong, but someone needs to get that fucking remote away from Taystee. I mean, come on man! I need to see something other than the great wild Africa!" The table burst into laughter. Nicky looked at Piper and said "Maybe Chapman can help us with that. She and the ghetto are close." She looked at Alex for a reaction, to see what Alex thought of her being okay with Piper, or at least, trying to be. Alex continued to look down, not reacting and stood up quickly to go dump her tray once the lunch bell rang. She watched Piper heave a sigh of relief. It was her last hour of work. Alex walked across Piper to see her rub her arms, before taking an empty vessel out back to the dishwashers.

She turned around to see most of the crowd, including her tablemates had disappeared to their various work duties. She took a step into the kitchen to go after Piper to talk to her to find Red in her way. "You're in laundry. Leave the girl alone. She's fine." Alex opened her mouth to protest when she saw a CO walking towards them. She shut her mouth and walked away towards the laundry. Red made her way to Piper who was loading the dishwasher. She was moving slowly and Red stopped her. "What's wrong?" Red asked. Piper straightened up and said "Nothing. Nothing's wrong." Red just looked at her, took in her flushed expression, the sweat, and the way her body slumped, as if standing straight was too much of an effort. "If you're tired, you should just tell me. Stop now and go back to your bunk. I'll see you tomorrow at 6am." Red said, mellowing her voice, to let Piper know that she wasn't judging her. "I'm not tired. I can do this. I can put fucking dishes in the fucking dishwasher. I'm not some pathetic creature that you need to pity. Can you please just let me finish the work assigned to me?" Piper said, her eyes watering. She angrily wiped away the tears. She looked at Red again "Don't you dare change my work tomorrow. I'm fine. I'll be fine." She said and loaded the dishes with renewed enthusiasm, getting her strength from adrenalin.

Red looked at Piper with new respect. Gone was the girl who craved the easy way out, who wouldn't fight to survive. Here was a survivor. She smiled and nodded. She brushed her hands on her apron and squeezed Piper's shoulder and walked away. The girl would indeed be fine.

At 3pm, Piper made her way shakily to her bunk. She collapsed on it and slept. She woke up at 5 when she heard some of the girls come in. She sat up, ran her fingers through her hair. She needed another shower, but decided to wait until Alex was back. They needed to talk. She picked up her book and started writing in it.

Dear Alex,

How I hate this. I hate that I'm so fucking weak, that I can't do anything. I hate that cumming with you this morning tired me out. Like seriously. I hate that I couldn't pick up a fucking basket of potatoes and that I needed help. When will I be independent? When you said, that I'm so scared to be alone that's why I picked Larry, even though he was wrong for me, you were right. But now, when I'm finally strong enough to just be, I need help like a fucking invalid. I can't do anything. I walk around the track and I'm out of breath. Red asked me to leave work early, because I was pitiful. I fucking hate it. And I'm so mad at myself. How did I let things get so fucked up? How did I go from having you, from loving you to losing you? How do I live with myself when I've caused you so much pain? How can you even want to breathe the same air as I do? I know you'll give me a line about being in love which will make me fall even more in love with you Al, but seriously. Do you understand how fucked up this is?

I STILL don't know if I can freefall through life with you. I love you so much it hurts, but I'm so fucking scared. I know that I want to be with you, because I really do, but I don't know if I'm cut out for a life in Cambodia doing X with strangers in drag. Where are we and what are we going to do?

I love you. I said it. I'm not a pussy.

Piper

She closed the book, tucked it away and waited. Writing to her was always cathartic. She always thought Larry was the writer and she was just the nice blonde lady who made soaps, but clearly, writing was as important to her as it was to him.

She literally twiddled her thumbs till she saw the tall brunette walk in with Nicky, laughing at something the shorter woman said. Nicky turned into her bunk while Alex made her way towards hers. She saw Piper looking up at her. Piper made eye contact with Alex and purposefully got up to go take a shower. Alex smiled and picked up her things and made her way to the showers. It was empty and she walked down the stalls till she found Piper in the last one. She went in to be almost assaulted as she felt Piper's body crash into hers. Their lips met in an open mouthed kiss, hot and wet. "Alex" Piper breathed, pulling Alex's top off her. They quickly shed their clothes. Piper was clearly the aggressor, running her hands all over Alex, pinching her nipples slightly and loving the gasp she heard. She trailed open mouthed kisses down Alex's neck, sucking at a particularly sensitive spot, feeling the taller woman squirm under her. Piper dipped her hand down and found Alex's wet heat. She delved into the folds, filling her gently, slowly, ignoring the grinding of Alex's hips. Alex opened her eyes, as Piper slowly added another finger. They maintained eye contact as Piper pumped her hand in and out, ignoring the pain. She wanted to watch Alex come undone and she would have walked on hot coals to make that happen. Alex kissed her as Piper felt Alex's walls contract around her fingers. She thumbed the older woman's clit and Alex came. Her eyes were dark with desire, she was panting and Piper felt on top of the world. Alex moaned at the loss when Piper withdrew from her.

She tipped Piper's face up and gently kissed her. Piper turned on the shower and both of them jumped apart as the cold water hit their hot bodies, giggling silently. They came back under the spray as the water turned luke warm. It was okay as they were generating plenty of heat themselves. Piper kissed Alex again. "We need to talk." Piper said, looking into Alex's eyes, their fingers entwining. "Yeah. I know love. We will. For now, you need to stop smelling of food." Alex said, and started soaping Piper down. Piper made a face and allowed Alex to touch her, still nervous about the way her body looked, but soon got over it as she felt Alex literally love her with her touch. It wasn't sexual, but just that innate feeling of comfort and home as she felt the woman's slightly rough hands caress her skin, slipping in the soap. She sighed and leaned back against Alex. She could almost reach that peace she craved so much.

**AN: Thanks for the reviews and the follows. I hope you guys are liking the story. It's more an exploration of characters and feelings rather than a strategic plot. But I do have an idea where I'm taking this. **


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